Post-Christmas Blues and Something to Be Grateful For

It's that time of the year again. The presents have been opened, the family has come to visit, the food has been eaten, the clock reads about four thirty in the afternoon and that sinking feeling hits: Christmas is over. The day that you've been waiting for for days, weeks, and months, depending on your age, has come and gone. The "Christmas feel" that has been mounting all month, reaching its climax on Christmas Eve is no longer there. Now is the time when thoughts of returning to work and school creep in. The realization that rent is due, books need to be purchased, schedules need to be finalized; the Christmas rush may be through, but a different kind of rush is about to take off.

However, Christmas is not the sole occasion that this sort of glumness accompanies. Personally, I get these "Post-Holiday Blues" at the end of Thanksgiving Day as well as after my birthday in January, although the Christmas Day experience is by far the most depressing. Why does this happen?

Christmas is the most magical time of year. There is a special feeling that comes from listening to Christmas music, snow falling (sometimes), special Christmas events and parties, helping other people in any sort of capacity, and being with family. But that's the problem. Christmas is the most magical time of year. Magical. And, well....magic isn't real. And while the good experiences and feelings we have around Christmastime are more than authentic and real, what isn't real (or at least enduring) is the vacationing, the perpetual sweets, the lavish decorations, the irresponsibility, the napping, the presents, the whimsical days spent reading a fun book or staying up until all hours playing games. When I realize that I have to face reality again in a few days, that I'll have to start going back to classes and do unpleasant things like homework again, my perfect little Christmas world is shattered.


Hence the post-holiday depression. Quite a first-world problem, isn't it?

However, it is something that can really get me down if I don't do something about it. But what can be done?? I know I'm not the only person in the world who gets the post-holiday blues, and as a result, there are infinite methods through which it can be overcome. My own personal method is to find things that I'm excited for or grateful for in my old humdrum life at school. Whenever I get feeling particularly down, I try to specifically think about my life in Provo, since, especially during Winter semester, that is where I spend most of my time. Even though there will be rent to pay, textbooks to read, papers to write, and tests to take, there are a lot of good things that go with it and things that I will only be able to experience and do at this point in my life.

I'm not really sure how this applies, but
it made me laugh, so there.

Rabbi Harold Kushner said, "If you concentrate on finding what is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul." Sometimes I am a lot better at being grateful for the good things in my life right now than at other times. But I have seen that when I do find the good things in my life and am grateful for them that it becomes much easier to be grateful, I feel much, much happier and the Christmas blues don't seem to have as powerful of an impact on me.

Perhaps the thing I should be most grateful for in response to the post-holiday blues is the very fact that I was able to have such a great Christmas. I got to go home and be with the people I really love and enjoy spending time with. I was able to vacation, eat perpetual sweets, enjoy lavish decorations, be irresponsible, take naps as I pleased, and spend whimsical days reading fun books and staying up until all hours playing games.

So, while I'm not ready to go to class tomorrow and start all the inevitable reading assignments, I'm considerably more ready than I was on the 25th at 4:30 PM. The post-Christmas blues are all but gone.

Liszt Does it Again

It's that time of year.....not only is it Christmas time, but we are also at that point in the semester where students spend long hours in the library (or the 4th floor of the JFSB in my case) and frantically cram and plan out when to take final exams.

BUT!

That time of year is past and it is now time to really rejoice because finals are over! Today while wandering around campus in a shocked and dazed state, this piece kept coming into my head and I think it is an accurate portrayal of how I feel. The whole piece is great, but the first three minutes or so are especially pertinent.

Also, this is called a waltz, but I defy anybody to dance to it and make it look good.

Enjoy!

Pre-New Year's New Year's Resolution

I've been thinking about what to write about next. The last two or three posts were all about things that I reflected on throughout the day when I didn't really have anything else to think about. Finals week is about to start and that takes up a large part of my thinking time, whether it's organizing in which order I am going to take the unscheduled ones or double checking the days, times, and places of the scheduled ones and when I'm planning on studying what. And nobody wants to read about that!

So I've tried to come up with other things that I consciously or unconsciously think about during the day. It didn't take long before I realized one thing that I see nearly every day that triggers the same thought over and over, every time somebody runs past me in jogging shoes or I walk in between the two athletic buildings on campus and see sweaty people coming out of them:

I should start doing that.

Who can say aught against the benefits of working out? During the last three months of my mission, I became a convert to daily or at least regular exercise. My companion and I started running (at his insistence, I might add) two or three times a week in the morning at 6:30. It only took about fifteen minutes if that, but I was severely out of shape and am not the cheeriest of souls at such an hour of the day. After a few weeks we started running farther than just to the bridge and back and started doing laps around our block. One lap was about a mile and a half and we started running every day. I'll never know why I agreed to such a thing and while I never really looked forward to it per se (does anybody ever really look forward to working out at 6:30 in the morning?), I did begin to like how I felt after running. I also started to watch my eating habits and nearly eliminated Nutella from my diet (a far cry from one year before when two of us were downing one jar a week). In addition I started doing pushups in the evenings before bed and this is where I really started to see some improvement. My companion even convinced me to run two 5Ks or two laps around our block. I felt great!

Fast forward about two months to my first few weeks back home. One morning I woke up at 7:00 (it seems so much later than 6:30) determined to take up the same schedule. I put on my running shoes and shorts like an old pro and set out to run around my block two, maybe three times considering how much better I had become in those last three months. Perhaps I tried to go too fast too soon and overestimated my aerobic abilities and capacity, perhaps it was the change in elevation my companion warned me I'd see in returning to the mountains of Utah. Whatever it was, before I'd even gotten around the block one time, I was on the verge of cardiac arrest. Few things are more discouraging than feeling like you are about to give up the ghost after having run a quarter of a mile at age 21.

Ever since that day I have never gone running or done any intentional exercise of any sort. As a result, every time I see anybody running I get a little twinge of guilt that still hasn't stopped needling at me.

Now, I'm not a large person. I've stayed at the same weight for a couple of years now and I usually can eat whatever I want and nothing happens. I'm quite thin and I take a certain amount of pride in it.While I am infinitely grateful for this, there's one thing that's been nagging at me for a while (this takes place after I get that twinge of guilt upon seeing some proactive, in-shape soul), and that's the fact that I'm not getting any younger. I may be able to eat whatever I want now, but that surely won't be the case in ten or fifteen years. What am I going to do then?!

It usually takes me a long time and a lot of thinking before I make any sort of large personal change or decide to take on something that will require regular effort on my part (this blog for example), but I think I'm pretty close to deciding to take up running again. I figure that if I don't put my pride on the shelf now and work hard, I'll have to put it on the shelf in ten or fifteen years (maybe sooner, perish the the thought...) and work a lot harder then. I guess it's kind of my pre-New Year's New Year's Resolution. Since I've decided to make it a resolution, I should probably start running this week.....

Meh. I'll wait until after Christmas.

Christmas Cheer!

Christmas is a great time of year and what would December be without some holiday tunes to help the Christmas spirit along? In addition to the Carpenters, the Boston Pops Orchestra, and A Charlie Brown Christmas, here are a few of my more recent Christmas favorites. I'll let the artists speak for themselves. Enjoy!!

"I know your face..." "I know your life."

One thing about me is that I remember people's faces and names quite well and, for the most part, many of my interactions with them and/or things I learned about them from them. Sometimes I look up random people from my kindergarten class that moved away on Facebook just to see what they have become, even though they probably have no memory of me (kindergarten was a while ago, after all). This also happened on my mission when we would try to talk to people in the streets. Of course, those who would brush us off like dead flies were certainly ejected from my memory, unless their refusal was particularly rude, which made them almost easier to remember. But whenever we actually did have a meaningful conversation or at least one that lasted longer than 30 seconds, their face was etched in my brain and sometimes we would see them again and it was a bit awkward. Do I acknowledge that we know each other even though I never found out your name or do we acknowledge each other even though we had a ten minute debate on the existence of prophets today? Or the most common question: Do you remember me? And even though it is probably hard to forget two young Americans stopping you on your way to work, it still almost inevitably became an awkward game of alternating eye contact until the moment comes when you must make a decision, which usually turns out as a head nod.

Is it obvious that l I overthink things?

The reason that I overthink this particular thing is due to the fact that often I remember people, but they don't remember me. At least it appears so. Therefore, when I meet a slight acquaintance from a few weeks ago or a friend of a friend that I met at a party, I usually remember them, but I'm never sure if they remember me. I saw a great example of this the other night. I was visiting Temple Square tonight with a good friend. We were entering a building and I opened the door for myself and my friend held it for some people after me. As I waited for my friend, the group of young people walked past me and I instantly recognized one of them. It was a missionary from my mission but quite a bit older than I was and kind of looks like a dinosaur. I sort of stared at him trying to see if he had recognized me, having already met on several occasions. Nothing. I wasn't offended but I did want to tell my friend who was with me (also from the mission) that I knew who it was. Then, before I had a chance, the older missionary turned back, looked at me strangely and our conversation went as follows. Italics are my unvocalized thoughts.

Him: Excuse me...do you speak _____?
Me: Yea, I do.
Him: Did you serve in the ________ mission?
Me: Yea! And so did you. Your name is _____ ______. You were my Zone Leader for a transfer. I've actually seen you several times on campus already.Him: Hey, me too! When did you get home?
Me: In June, so it hasn't been a super long time. You went home in December of 2010, right after my six month mark. I remember your last testimony at Christmas Conference. You mentioned that you really learned to talk with God on your mission.Him: Ok. Who was in your group?
Me: You trained my friend Elder ______ but to avoid any possible awkward situations which would arise from showing that I know more than I'm saying, I'll mention him third or fourth. Oh, Elder So-and-So, Elder What's-his-name, and Elder _______
Him: Ok, cool, I trained him!
Me: I know. In Brest. Really? That's awesome. Good to see you!
Him: You too!

Is this normal?!

Now, obviously that doesn't truly follow my true stream of thought during the conversation, but in the moments that followed it, I certainly did a mental run-through of all the things I remembered about him. One factor that may play into this one-sided memory lapse can be based on the fact that when you are older in the mission, you aren't really aware of younger missionaries, but when you are new, you learn to know everybody. So maybe I'm not crazy. At least not in this given instance.

This also happened in one of my first class periods this semester. A girl from a dance class I took when I was a freshman walked in and I remembered her instantly. After a few days she looked at me funny and said, "I think I know you from somewhere, but I can't think where." It's the dance class that we both took fall and winter semesters. You were also in my English class winter semester. When my turn came to present myself in front of the class, you asked me what my favorite dance step was that we had learned. You had long hair that you chopped off into a pixie cut that you are still sporting. Yea, it's so weird, I know you too.....Oh, I know! Dance class freshman year!

From her tone of voice, I suspected that she remembered too and was merely being socially correct. This leads to my big question: Does everyone remember faces and I am just ignorant of it? Is it so necessary to maintain social grace and avoid coming off as creepy that we feign temporary amnesia? I know I certainly do. How off-putting is it if you go around reciting every fact you know about a person that you haven't talked to more than a handful of times in very casual settings that took place over two years ago? I think a lot of people would want to forget me if I did something like that.

I guess this is what they call a social conundrum because I'm not sure what the solution is. As uncertain as I am of the solution, I'm equally certain that I cannot be the only one to whom this happens. But I'm not as certain that there needs to be a solution. It's not a problem, but just something that occurs once in a while in everyone's life. (But if there is a solution, please tell me.)

Conclusion? Usually I like to tidy things up in nice bows at the end of talks, papers, and now blog posts. In formal papers for school, if you look at how long my conclusions and body are in proportion to how much  time was spent on each, conclusions will leave the body far behind. Everything has to be summed up in just the right way. So I'm breaking  my own rules here and even going against my character in saying that I have absolutely no resolution or conclusion to offer.






That was really hard to type.

Peace

One of the biggest, if not the biggest, quests in this life is the quest to find peace. Peace changes according to the ideals of each person. Some people call it self-actualization, others dream of temporal comfort. Healthy relationships, financial security, a feeling that everything is going to turn out all right, all of these things fit the bill of someone's definition of peace.

For me, peace comes closest to the last idea on that short list. Peace goes beyond feeling good about myself, beyond having enough money, beyond having a lot of friends. Peace is something internal, something that can be independent of everything else that may be going on in my life. Something that is possible to have even if I didn't have any friends or any money, I believe and like to think, anyway.

Yesterday I heard someone say something that made me stop and think. After dwelling on the idea for a while, I realized that it was true and what's more, I had seen it in my own life. Yesterday, I heard a girl say that peace is not just an absence of trials or lack of conflict in our lives. It was a short sentence, but one with a lot of substance and room for expansion. We don't have to wait for things to get better in order to feel peace. While peace is a goal for myself and many other people, it is not something that takes superhuman effort over many weeks and months in order to achieve. In fact, the times when I think we can feel the most peace is in the midst of trials. How is this possible?

As I already said, peace for me is very similar to a feeling that everything is going to be OK. Those who know me know that I can be very cynical, sarcastic, and sometimes pessimistic when I am sad or discouraged (or even sometimes when I'm not!). So I in my case, this feeling of optimism, of peace, has to come from an outside source. I have found that when I realize that things are not left to my hands alone, that when I truly put myself in God's hands, when I let Him worry about it, that I feel peace. God is the only person, place, or thing that can give me real peace that has a lasting effect. This means that even when I can do nothing about my current situation, I try to not worry and acknowledge that God has a plan for me and this experience is a part of that plan. When I really am able to internalize that to some level, that is when I feel peace and I can keep struggling on, if that is what needs to happen.

It is true that when things are going well, I feel very good and peaceful with myself and with my life. When I feel in a good mood, it's easy to be at ease and happy. But, I have found, peace is not dependent on these conditions alone. One night earlier this semester, I figured out my finances, made a budget and weighed income against expenses. Despite having a job, I was quite discouraged when I saw how much money I wasn't making. That night, I sat outside for a while wondering how on earth I was going to survive college without going into debt or staying in school until 2022. I worried and fretted for a while and then got up and walked home. Sometime later, I can't even remember how much time had passed, I told myself that I was doing all I could to support myself financially and that God would take care of everything else. When I  really understood and believed this principle, that was when the peace came. That was when I just had the strong feeling that everything was going to be OK, so I didn't need to worry about not applying for a job that would pay more or despair over the 74 I had gotten on the biology test that I had truly studied for. I didn't magically receive enough money in my bank account to pay for my education. I didn't find 10 bucks on the sidewalk. But there was (and is) peace. Everything is going to be OK.

For me, that is what peace is. Here are some other quick thoughts that come to mind:

-God is never surprised or taken aback by what happens to us. He doesn't have to quickly pull together a new solution for the present problem. He is very much aware of what is happening to us and what will need to happen to us in the future in order to further our spiritual progression.
-Peace comes from obeying God's commandments. Period.
-We can find peace in the company of those we love and cutting ourselves off from them in times of trial or hurt of any kind can be detrimental to our recuperation and/or healing.
-Catastrophizing small things in our lives can lead to deep and unnecessary discouragement. I speak from experience.
-Endurance is an essential part of God's plan. But enduring for a lifetime is not a prerequisite for peace.

Like all people, I have trials in my life that make me wonder, "Why on earth is this my trial? Couldn't it be something else??" But what I have come to realize is that if it weren't "this," it would definitely be "something else." So, it might as well be "this," because the secret is that that "something else" would be just as hard as "this!" God knows what He's doing. He is not ad-libbing. After I think about those things for a few minutes, I think again about my trials. After I've mentally moved myself through that train of logic, believe it or not,  it brings me peace. There is no absence of trials in my life right now. And while I am not yet at the point where I am legitimately grateful for the trials I have, I know that there can be peace in the midst of them.

Trial Run

Blogs are one of those things that can take nearly any form or shape you can think of and can have any number of purposes. Some are all about recipes. Some are a journal of sorts. I've seen one that had copious amounts of pirated sheet music (I didn't download any, for the record). Some cover one aspect of a person's life such as a passion for photography, others present the writer in all his or her glory, leaving no stone unturned from the pathways of their lives.

I've never understood how people are able to do that.

For my blogging purposes, I hope to find a happy medium. This is for several reasons, one of which being that I don't think I have any passion or interest that I could write about weekly or even biweekly for that matter. Except for maybe roller coasters. But as much as I love to read, you can only post so many recommendations or present so many interpretations of a given book. Besides, I have English classes to learn how to do that. I also couldn't imagine keeping certain aspects of my life out of a blog, such as my feelings about God and His Son Jesus Christ. I spent two full years talking to people about God and helping those who wanted to become closer and develop a relationship with Him. As this is an important and huge part of my life, I hope to be able to share appropriate thoughts and experiences related to this in addition to any other aspects of my life.

Another reason, and maybe the most important, is that keeping up a blog will exercise writing skills I need to develop. I read a quote once by Ray Bradbury where he told an aspiring writer that to become a good writer you must write 2,000 words a day. While there won't be 2,000 words a day coming out of here, it is one of my ambitions to become a good writer. And hopefully coming up with ideas about abstract subjects and putting it all together into one neat little blog post will help me send what I write into the void (or vacuum I suppose) as opposed to leaning towards certain ideas or subjects based on who might be reading. I don't think I could ever be a real author of literature because rarely do I write anything without thinking of who might read it and what their reaction might be. I would fear that I might change things based on the audience who reads the book (cough, cough, Stephenie Meyer, cough). For most of my papers for school I imagine the particular professor to whom I'll be submitting the paper, considering his or her personality and tastes as far as I have been able to see in class. On my mission, I wrote to my family each week, of course, but more importantly I thought of them when writing. Everything that I shared was geared towards them, even though I rarely sugarcoated anything.

Another reason is actually related to journals. While this won't be a day-to-day event log (how boring!), I think it will be interesting in five or ten years to see what I thought as a 21-year-old. I have also found that the side I like the most of myself is my writing side or what comes out when I write these kinds of things. 

All that being said, I still have no idea what I'm going to write about. I'm not sure my everyday experiences and interactions are all that thought-provoking, but I suppose we'll see what happens. I've thought a lot about starting a blog before for all of the above reasons but have hesitated because the last thing I want my blog to be is forced. I'm also worried about it being a failure. Have you ever seen a blog that only has three or four posts and then nothing since 2008? Talk about depressing.

There are, unfortunately, a myriad of reasons that have kept me from actually starting a blog, one of which is the name of the blog. I don't have kids and am not married so I can't very well have the blog be the name of my "family," as it were. "Mark...........and Mark." This leaves the other more common (but more difficult) option of trying to come up with a creative or clever name. Great.

Another thing is that this blog is going to be very wordy. I'm don't take pictures of my life and am not planning on inserting too many of them for the moment. 

Another obstacle is something that has already occurred in this first post. I have a tendency to ramble and give monologues. To avoid an incriminatingly long explanation about that, I'll just end this paragraph here.

So where does that leave me? Hopefully before long I'll have something either intelligent, witty, spiritual, or interesting to say for the next go-around. As of now, I'm still not sure what the goal of this blog is going to be. And that being the case, consider the trial run underway.